CHEERS! - Oops...

CosmosBlack

Active Member
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Location
Florida
#1
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back
or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the testimonials of a few people who did...


*I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked
loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around
and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word. He knew better.

*I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy
with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I
was approached by one of the good- looking gentlemen who works at the store. He
asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think
I like playing with men's balls."

*My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy
behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking
at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I
turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

*Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son
had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day
we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy,
with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so
of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I
realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he
needed to go, and he said, "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had
an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Dan! my, are
you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he
must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked
one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked
down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST
FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he
calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by
thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

*This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very
embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she
speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any? A true story. We
had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and
didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you
promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the
crew did too!

*While on a flight from New York, the Stewardess was busy passing out peanuts and
cokes to everyone. There were about sixteen flights lined up waiting to get
clearance to take off. Then the other Stewardess got a message from the Pilot
that the tower said the wind had changed 180 degrees and they were first in line
to take off, and to have everyone buckle up. Without thinking she just announced
"Please buckle up, grab your drinks and hold your nuts, we're taking off", No
one saw her for the rest of the flight to Houston, and all the other
Stewardesses were laughing all the way and half of the passengers.
 
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Location
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#3
Haha that's some funny sh*t. I like the weather one...

On a similar note, this happened in Sydney a while ago on the MMM radio station. It is absolutely hilarious. It takes a while to get through but God is it funny:

"This got Sydney laughing. Read it and you'll see why!

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.

Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.
The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant Answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same
three questions correctly, they both win the prize. One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast If you win. What is your name? First only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Brian: "Sara."

DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for a couple of weeks...”

DJ: "Uh huh..."

Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this." [3 minutes of commercials follow.]

DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?" (Touch-tones.....ringing....)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"
Sarah: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off To the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Well..."

DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?

Sarah: "Up the arse....."

After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break" And the drivers of Sydney almost crashed their cars laughing!
 


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